About perdicou psychotherapy.
Starting a business has been a labour – a straight up labour.
Were I to say that perdicou psychotherapy was just a labour of love and excitement I would be lying.
More accurately, starting this business has been a labour of love and hate, excitement and panic, happy and sad, joy and anxiety. . . see where I’m going? It’s been complicated.
Back in October 2021 I wrote a piece about leaving my full-time salaried position at a non-profit to work with a private group practice (Today I Leave my Full-Time Job). This piece talked about fears and trepidations that came with leaving a sure thing to pursue something less stable, albeit more in line with my future career goals, aspirations, and values.
To be honest when I read that article back all I can do is cringe; that cringe holds the Trauma – the It – of regret, shame, self-judgement, disappointment, and rage.
Though, none of these emotions belong to me.
I wish I didn’t carry these emotions in my reactions but the tightness in my throat and the pain in my chest tell a story of the It that my body holds on to and remembers on my brain’s behalf.
I wish I didn’t carry these emotions in my reactions but the fleeting thoughts in my mind, the distractibility, and the dissociation tell a story of the It that my brain is trying to run from on my body’s behalf.
For the past couple of months, I have been stuck in rumination about perdicou psychotherapy being born out of some of the most difficult times in my life – all of the It: discrimination, racism, and violence. I could not help but feel that the right to celebrate and be excited about this huge career milestone was stolen from me.
I was robbed because I did not choose to create perdicou psychotherapy; I created perdicou psychotherapy because I had no choice.
Regret, shame, self-judgement, disappointment, and rage.
These are the emotions that I labelled as as mine while I started to ridicule myself for not seeing It sooner, as I lamented how easy it must have been to gaslight me, and as I berated myself for allowing It one last time.
None of these emotions belong to me.
These emotions belong to the Violent Ones: the people who act out in malicious and hateful ways when faced with a truth that they cannot bear to hold on their own. These emotions belong to those who would deign to deny experiences, perform acts of allyship to appear one way but show up in another, and who wield violently racist vitriol to sooth their own sensibilities and saviour complexes. It is my hope that these people will one day decide to meaningfully engage in anti-racism and equity work in order to address their individual and structural support for racism.
I wish to say that this It is unique to my story and a singular experience, but this would once again be a lie. This lie would remain held in the tightness in my throat, and the pain in my chest only amplified by the fleeting thoughts, distractibility, and dissociation.
That lie would be for those who do me no favours and wish me nothing well. That lie does not belong to me
About my truth.
In my work I talk about It all day long. We name Trauma and reclaim agency, voice, and power over the things that we have experienced by building our mind/body connection so that the mind can make sense of the body’s experience, and the body can make sense of the mind’s.
Perdicou psychotherapy for me is about showing up authentically – honest & relational therapy. It is about not allowing something beautiful to be bastardized by hatred and Trauma.
It is my process to return those emotions to the Violent Ones because I have no use for them anymore; those emotions no longer make sense for my mind or for my body.
On September 12, 2022 I finally launched into perdicou psychotherapy full-time. I feel anxiety, excitement, joy, sorrow, and hope, all of which my body and my mind react to accordingly.
I don’t allow Trauma to be my legacy because It also belongs to the Violent Ones. I do not allow my voice to be silenced as is the ongoing and historical experience of so many people in my communities.
By choosing to create perdicou psychotherapy I took my choice back, and told those who would have it any other way that I will not be silent. I will not stop advocating for my rights as a Racialized and Queer person, nor those of the clients that I have the pleasure to work with throughout my career.
I hope that with perdicou psychotherapy you yourself can find empowerment, and the ability to take your own choice back – wherever it may be – and I can’t wait to join you on that journey.